When The Holidays Are Hard - Let It Be

I have been thinking a lot about grief and loss this holiday season. I have to admit that most holiday seasons have been joyful for me, but this particular year is hard. There is a tension between joy and anger, gratefulness and sadness, hope and heartache.

I think for most of us the holiday season ushers in that tension; and if it hasn't yet, at some point in time it will. What then?

I went on a web search for how to deal with grief and the holidays. There is a lot of good advice out there, such as implementing self-care, commemorating the loss of a loved one, and using a journal to process your feelings. All of it is good and useful, but none of it fixes the tension because the tension cannot be fixed. It's there. It's intense. And it's not going away.

We live in a culture that labels emotions as "good" and "bad" and when we feel the "bad," such as sadness and grief during the holidays, there is a tendency to believe the emotions should be replaced with the "good". After all, "it's the most wonderful time of the year," right? But I think what a lot of us need this holiday season is permission to be in tension. To experience joy in one moment and anger in the next; gratefulness one day and sadness on another; hoping while feeling the heartache. Because the reality is both are real and genuine, and trying to eliminate our "bad" emotions means we are trying to eliminate a part of ourselves. And, if we try to eliminate parts of ourselves we run the risk of eliminating some of the best parts of who we are.

If you haven't seen the movie "Inside Out", you should. In "Inside Out" the internal emotions of Riley try earnestly to help her navigate major changes in her life. The emotion "Joy" spends the majority of the movie trying to help Riley escape feeling "Sadness" and goes to great lengths to consistently override "Sadness" with her "Joy". This continues to happen until "Joy" recognizes that one of Riley's most "Joy"-filled memories began with "Sadness". "Joy" remembers that it was while Riley was expressing "Sadness" that she experienced those around her connect to her, love her, and celebrate her for who she is. "Joy" recognizes that "Sadness" is an integral part of who Riley is and, without "Sadness," Riley would not have been able to be genuinely seen, loved, and celebrated. In that moment "Sadness" was the reason "Joy" was able to come.

I think the creators of "Inside Out" have a point. Is it possible that moments in time can hold in tension both joy and sadness? Is it possible that sometimes the only way to experience joy is to walk through the sadness?

If this is so, then let our emotions be. Let them come as they may, move as they may, change as they may. Let them be. Just let yourself be. And may you experience joy in the midst of whatever your emotional tension may be.