The "Right" Counselor for You

How do you know a counselor is "right" for you?

Honestly, there are so many different ways this question could be answered and there are some basic things you can and should be looking for. After considering practical issues such as price and location, here are some questions to be asking: Do they have the proper credentials and licensing? Do they have experience and training in the areas of struggle I am dealing with? Does their philosophy of counseling align with my personal beliefs?

But beyond practical issues of pricing and location and beyond their training and experience, I believe the most important thing needed in a counselor is someone who works hard to SEE YOU.

What does that even mean?

Most of us find ourselves in the counseling room not because we are not intelligent and do not have the basic knowledge of "right" and "wrong" concerning our maladaptive behaviors. And honestly, most of us are even resilient and resourceful enough that we will have tried using our own knowledge and skills to solve our problems and we may even have bought a "self-help" book or two. The truth is most of us find ourselves in the counseling room because our world has become so dark, chaotic, and confusing that we have trouble seeing clearly.

Yes, advice and learning how to deal with emotions, relationships, and addictive behaviors is necessary and needed, but there is a reason our own knowledge, skills, and self-help books did not work. If breaking an addiction was as simple as learning how to deal with the urge to drink, then knowledge, skills, and the self-help book would work. If saving a marriage was as easy as working towards better communication, then knowledge, skills, and the self-help book would work. But our brokenness runs much deeper than bad decision making or poor communication. Our hearts and our souls are broken, hurting, and suffering. From the inside out we are wounded. And if we are not seen from the inside out, if we are not healed from the inside out, then we are putting band-aids on our scrapes when we are bleeding out.

The counselor you need is somebody who is able to be present enough with you to see your soul and from the inside out understand your hurt, your suffering, your confusion, and your longing for healing.

But here is the thing: if you are able to find a counselor who truly sees you, you might not always like your counselor.

Psychologist Simon Parke once said, “A session with me is not all a bed of roses. If you seek someone who will say only nice things, then you’ve knocked on the wrong door. I can appear harsh for I weep at the inner contortions which destroy you daily. I will expose and name these contortions and refuse to collude with your redundant self-image.”

A counselor who truly sees you will challenge you. They will tell you what they see and they will push you to expose that which you work hard to keep hidden.

Sound scary? Here's the good news: a counselor who truly sees you will care about you too much and hope for you too much to simply say nice things and provide you with skills and tools because they want to provide you the opportunity to heal from the inside out. A counselor who truly sees you will gently and lovingly expose the secrets and lies and subtle ways you have unknowingly sabotaged your own joy and hope so that which has been hidden can no longer thrive in the darkness.

But even better, a counselor who truly sees you will also expose your goodness. A counselor who truly sees you will name and bring to light the strengths and gifts you may not even have known you had. In the context of a compassionate, understanding, and patient relationship, a counselor who truly sees you will walk alongside of you as deeply rooted wounds are healed and your ability to embrace a life of meaning, joy, and hope is realized.

Being seen is worth it. I hope you find somebody who is able to see you. And I hope you let yourself be seen.